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I Find It Exasperating When The Gingerbread Men I Bake
Abscond
By Jerrold Allen, Baker
I'm a seasoned baker. I've baked everything from corn fritters to forty-five
pound Thanksgiving turkeys. Call me a baker, and you're right on the money.
Baking is my game, as they say. What do I do? I bake. Baking is my game.
Sometimes people use the word "game" to mean "job," and I was doing that
just now.
As a baker, sometimes I bake gingerbread "men." If you're not familiar, a
gingerbread "man" is a pastry procured from gingerbread which looks not
like a man but more like a ridiculous, fat, cartoon stick figure. Hence the name,
one would suppose.
Gingerbread men seem to be popular among the cookie-eating public, and I'm
happy to bake them. Would I be wrong if I said the public should have what the
public wants? The answer is no.
Gingerbread men are necessary in society, and that's why I bake them. They may
try to escape their bakers in some cases, but most can be caught in time to resolve
their wrongs. Some gingerbread men, on their delinquent journeys, have only
jaywalked. Other, more hardened gingerbread men have raped, pillaged, plundered
and murdered.
My chief difficulty with gingerbread men is when one out of the pan suddenly
gains animatronic abilities and jumps out of the oven. Normally, I say my baked
goods are free to do what they want. Should I stay away from recipes that call for
gingerbread? I think not. Cookie-cutters cannot define a pastry, whether the
cookie-cutter is cutting gingerbread-dough or just some regular type of dough.
(I consider any dough that's not gingerbread-based to be "regular.")
I will never define my ego by the actions of gingerbread men I bake. Let me know,
though, if you see me, and think, "I want to save that baker from a sad life of
worrying about what he bakes, namely if the baking material is gingerbread."
Can a gingerbread man escape from the average person? We'll see. Most
gingerbread men I've baked display arrogant stances such as "Can't Apprehend Me,
I'm the Gingerbread Man.." Sometimes, though, I'll encounter a gingerbread man who
will wax philisophical, with zen thoughts like, "I'm the Gingerbread Man, But I'll Deal
With If I'm Caught," or "I'm the Gingerbread Man, But My Voice is Tired from Taunting
You, So I'll Willingly Come Back And Get Back In The Oven."
These encounters, however, are rare.
In conclusion, I must reiterate that I place no lord over what my baked goods do.
If a vanilla-pudding-filled chocolate long john leaped from my oven and shouted
over its shoulder, "Can't Catch Me, I'm The Vanilla-Pudding-Filled Chocolate Long
John," I wouldn't be upset. I'd smile whimsically, and wave to the long john, wishing
it well on its excursion. I'd like to think, with that, I'm an example for all bakers.
[TWR;)]
With A Name Like "Trust Us, This Product Is Really Great!"
It's Got To Be Good
By Lyle Sedgefield
I'm not sure if you know who I am, but my name is Lyle Sedgefield,
and I'm a long and hard relative of the "Trust Us, This Product Is
Really Great!" Sedgefields. That brand name may not be our true
last name, but it may as well be. If you've tried "Trust Us, This
Product Is Really Great!" brand PB/J mix, or "Trust Us, This Product
Is Really Great!" brand snow shovels, you know what I'm talking
about.
As a member of this family, I had a choice: Join the family and become
super-rich, or flounder and stray, and end up not cashing in on the
"family name." I chose the former, and today I'm one of the richest men
in America, if not the world. People come up to me and say, "Lyle, how
on Earth did you do it?" I just smile and say: "Go home and use one of
your "Trust Us, This Product Is Really Great!" branded products, and
you'll rest your question."
"Trust Us, This Product Is Really Great!" products didn't happen by
accident. In the beginning, old great-great-great Uncle Julius Sedgefield
meekly tried marketing a line of wooden brooms, under that name. He
knew it was a risk, humbly naming a product like that, and expecting the
public to associate the name with quality. The broom sold well for awhile,
but the sales dropped off due to the high breakability of the handles,
and the tendency of the straw to blow out of the wires upon the first
sweep.
Uncle Julius, however, laid a foundation for a name that would, with time,
become associated with true quality. You can't after all. give a product a
name and expect an immediate positive melding with that item. It takes
time for the public to look at at a brand name and pair that name with
a chosen piece of merchandise.
Thankfully, our products have been around long enough that the buying
masses truly know that, with a name like "Trust Us, This Product Is Really
Great!," it's got to be good.
After years and years of honing our wares, buyers know they can expect the
highest quality from us. They know it's not a gamble when choosing our
products, even when given many choices. A housewife on a grocery trip,
for example, can place all faith in the fact that she'll make no mistake in
choosing "Trust Us, This Product Is Really Great" brand Goober-Grape
clone; she knows the kids will give louder and more enthusiastic yells of
appreciation than if she hangdogged-it home with mere "Smuckers"
Goober Grape.
And that's because, with a name like "Trust Us, This Product Is Really
Great," it's got to be good.
This all goes to show, that, if you keep you nose to the grindstone, (and
your shoulder to the wheel,) you can offer the public an item that they'll
be proud to own. And they'll pass that word onto their relatives and
friends. Before long, the whole world will be saying:
"With a name like "Trust Us, This Product Is Really Great," it's
GOT to be GOOD!"
[TWR;)]
I Love the Brady Bunch, But Why Do They Never
Explain How They BECAME The Brady Bunch?
By Byron Ronalds
Have you ever seen "The Brady Bunch?" It's a situation comedy that premiered in 1969.
A lot of people seem to have seen it, and love it. I've seen it and I love it so much that
I've re-decorated my whole house in early 70's kitch (and I've seen the 90's spoof/homage
movies 1000 times over.) But one thing that has been frustrating me in the last few weeks
of dazed Brady Bunch watching, is why do they never tell you how it is that they BECAME
the Brady Bunch?? I'm sure i share this frustration with many other BB watchers, and I plan
on investigating. This has gone on long enough.
Okay, so we have a lady who's bringing up some, or I guess it's three, girls. We'll go with their
blondeness, I suppose, as it seems some women are born with blonde hair. Anyway, in the first episode, there's Carol (that's
the first name of the lead maternal character) and then there's Mike (he's, you guessed it, the lead paternal character).
They have a fun wedding where the pets get involved, and the kids are all super-glad these parents are going to watch over
them.
This goes on for a bit...a watcher gets a complete sense of the family, and can bond with
them as well. Mike is the 'provider father,' Carol is the complete 'nuturer mother.' We get
restless, however, without a framework to go on in the sense of how this family was formed.
"Is there anyone who knows how this family was formed?" we ask ourselves.
One watches the action onscreen and asks themselves, would there ever have been a time,
a day, when Mike and Carol met? And one goes further and asks oneself, why couldn't it
ever be described to the general public, either in the intro, or the end credits, how this
man met this woman? It seems cruel to leave us with this 'feel-good,' intelligent 'sitcomic'
work, and then never even hint at giving us an idea, even figuratively, how a man like
Mike Brady might have met a woman like Carol.
We're perhaps led to believe that Mike and Carol have a simple, but perfect, marriage in
which they have settled together in California, and have decided that a large family is
right for them. After late night discussions, Mike and Carol decide that they want to
have a large family. After throwing Alice out of the laundry room, or, well, I guess that's
just the utility porch, but I assume (as all must) that Alice's room is adjacent to the
utility porch...Mike and Carol elope to Northern California. It is here that Marcia is
conceived. Upon doing this, Mike and Carol return safely to their home, and
continue their happy existence.
If this wasn't the case, then you tell me! What WAS the case the Brady Bunch becoming
such? Do YOU know something 'I' don't? Lay it on, please. Maybe we'll all be satisfied
and will all be able to sleep nights how this "BUNCH" became so. The world is tired
of wondering.
I for one, have always loved 'The Brady Bunch,' regardless of how much ambiguity there may be
be in how they became a 'Bunch.' Come me progressive, but I can appreciate each single
episode, regardless of its "theme", without ever once wondering how they ever could have
come together and solidified themselves as the family they are.
[TWR;)]
We'll, for now keep Jasper's work here. Good luck tomorrow,
Jasper!!
I'll Recover From Learning That My Wife
Was a Complete Hypocrite
By Jasper Sanderson
My wife is the best. She lets me let her drive our car whenever she decides she wants to drive, and lets me visit her
parents anytime the whim strikes. We have a sexual schedule which I'm completely comfortable with, which entails an agenda
consisting of her needs being satisfied. When she's bored and wants to leave, I actually care and do my best to suddenly organize
the million thoughts that swarm my mind at the thought of being without her.
She's welcome to bring anyone into our home she pleases. I understand that if I'm unhappy with that, it's my problem.
She's welcome to point out my drinking, and then spend the night with several men who are also drinking. Hypocrisy doesn't
bother me. I kind of have a thing for it. Kind of like the thing I have for standing in JC Penney for two hours while she
picks out a shirt. Call me a fool.
Our trust issue has been resolved. I've learned after five years to trust her completely, including trusting that she'll
never leave. Should she decide she's done with our marriage now, I'll know there was an error in my definition of trust.
Who am I to have a place in a relationship?
I can't lay down my ideas for what's reasonable. And if I do, I'm an asshole.
I know there's one of those "raves" up in New Hampshire, and I don't mind of she goes. In fact, I really at
this point don't care what she 'dies,' oh, i meant 'does.' If at some point, she gets kidnapped, and they hang her by the
ankles over a pit of alligators by a rope showing sure signs of wear, and the 'gators' teeth "ting" in the sun with
sharpness (or simply are super sharp, at night), then I say, let's all get some rest, and continue not to care about her.
Maybe I'll say, "Here's your divorce honey." It will be painful.
But, from her hypocrisy, I will recover.
Jasper Sanderson is a top Rag writer.
[TWR;)]
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