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Today's Breaking Story
STATE OF ILLINOIS PUTS "AIR BATTERY" ON BOOKS
Champaign CO, IL (AP) Authorities in the great state of Illinois have
announced the passage of a new law for the Illinois books, known as
"Air Battery," a law which will stand in keeping with Illinois' seeming
obsession with keeping all Illinoisans under the law's thumb.
The "People of the State of Illinois," a term Illinois uses in place of
the more accurate "The Nazi Bureaucracy of Illinois," are now in opposition
to a newly illegal act, that of throwing one's fist into the air, in complete
absence of a target, but with the hypothetical concept that damage WOULD
have been done to a person or property directly in front of the fist.
"Just as a person traveling 50 mph in a 35 mph speed zone hasn't necessarily
hurt anyone, but could have, this new law takes that hypotheticism and helps
to extend it to a new area of everyday life," said State Trooper Dick Nilworth.
"It's not a matter of whether trouble WAS caused, but whether trouble MIGHT
have been caused. Penalties are necessary even in the most remote of situations,
and Illinois citizens must be cited for all actions that COULD have caused harm,
not just when harm actually is caused."
"I enjoy being a total Dick," Nilworth added, referring to his first name.
While no arrests have yet been made on air battery charges, Illinois (whose
pathetic tagline has been known as "You Put Me in a Happy State") is eager
to charge citizens who might throw a fist into the air, and has authorized
all uniformed officers, when not on Hassle Detail at sobriety checkpoints
and zealously waving their fun popsicle flashlights, to gain a new method
for appearing above the law.
"I've lived in Illinois all my life. I like my work. It's something different
every day. I never get tired of it. You just, you see people out here
every day, and you try to make a difference. Even if that difference
never deviates from slopping charges on strangers," said Will County
officer Mustache Brown. "The new Air Battery law gives us the ability
to take Illinois citizens into our custody and let them feel our thumb
upon them."
All Illinoisans are advised to keep their fists out of the air.
[TWR;)]
COMMERCIAL EDITED TO INCLUDE SLOW MOTION, NON-SPEAKING VIDEO
OF SUBJECT IN AMONG NORMAL, SPEAKING FOOTAGE
SAWGRASS, KY (AP) A 'Boils Treatment Centers of America' ad was cited Tuesday
for its brilliance in incorporation of slow motion, soundless video edited within video
of the same subject, in exactly the same setting, in a speaking part.
"Americans respond fiercely well to this type of ad production," said local advertisement
worker Fran Orr. "When a typical American TV viewer sees a testimonial for a product or
service (emphasis on service), that American might feel a sense of connection with the
ad copy he or she has viewed. But when that testimonial is interspersed with video of
the same actor, in slow motion, not speaking and/or smiling, in the exact same setting as
the scene of that actor talking, there's no holding back the reciprocatory response of
TV viewers."
Ad producers have gone far to exhibit their affinity for this type of motif, and have provided
accolades for the BTCOA ad in question. Commercial producer Cal Leevenworth speaks
out:
"Let's all imagine ourselves in front of a TV, OK? And where are we, realistically, if we're
NOT in front of TV? So let's go with that, shall we? OK, I thought so. Now, let's explore
this realm of thought. It seems to me most States dwellers respond well to slo-mo shots
of subjects, inserted into longer shots of a subject actually speaking. Now tell me: don't
YOU get tears on your jeans when you see that? I think you do. And if you don't, you
need to start. That's what 'Merica's all about. It's about afternoon TV ads with slow motion
footage of ad-actors edited in over the footage that began in normal speed, with them
speaking, and which will end in normal speed with them speaking," Leevenworth stated.
Assistant to Leevenworth Blanche Tierney concurred, and stated that she "don't want
no ad producer's who gonna eat all the roaches in here and ain't leave none for me."
Local Sawgrass TV producers are expected to investigate the matter.
[TWR;)]
"PRICE IS RIGHT" LEANING TOWARDS "COME ON UP"
CATCHPHRASE PENDING SET REDESIGN
HOLLYWOOD, CA (AP) "The Price Is Right," America's favorite game show, is
considering a switch from its commonly spouted superphrase "Come On Down,"
now that the set is being reconstructed to place the audience below
the festivities.
"We think "Come On Down" would be a bit inappropriate, seeing as the
spectators will now actually be below the stage," offered set-designer
Rolf Ballsteinz. ""Come On Up" will be more congruent given this situation,
and will provide needed variety, after 30+ years of America's game-show
watchers hearing "Come On Down.""
The set redesign has come among pressures from networks and producers
to amp up the TV content of the nation's programming, as most Americans
are supremely bored with "Reality Show" material, and refuse to watch
Fox's "American Idol," a show which has survived despite all citizens of the
US saying, collectively, "We don't support that prefab crap."
"The Price Is Right" stage is expected to rise thirty feet above the studio
audience, who now will be obscured from the cameras, and will have a harder
time giving clues to "Showcase Showdown" contestants. However, "PIR"
executives have said sufficient microphones will be placed in the audience
to allow them to have their yells of number/price suggestions to at least
still be heard by contestants.
"Come On Up" is supported by all "Price Is Right" employees, including
former "PIR" announcer Rod Rodman.
[TWR;)]
THOUSANDS OF MYSTERIOUS AMERICANS CONSISTENTLY AND
PSYCHOTICALLY SWARM AMERICA'S NETWORK MORNING SHOWS
WHILE REST OF AMERICA SLEEPS
MANHATTAN, New York (AP) A report has found that, while
most of America sleeps, including most New Yorkers, there's
a strange, unsettling mass of Americans who descend, each and every morning, upon the outdoor presentations of the US's
three fine New York City network morning shows.
The report, reportedly originating from Midtown Manhattan, a borough of New
York City having its own president, states that while most of the "regular United
States" sleeps, sleepwalks, or grudgingly contemplates getting out of bed to
brush teeth, there's a strange, psychotic brand of American who makes advance
plans to visit New York City, stay in a hotel, and then force themselves and their
family members to get up a 6 AM, drink 47 cups of coffee, and then attack those
metal fences surrounding the celebrities who report the pertinent stories of
America's "Morning" shows.
While the psychotic "Morning Show" enthusiasts don't directly threaten regular
Ameicans, they appear to be generally oblivious to them, and often show odd
penchants for holding up big signs that they, as adults, drew with markers
or crayons, and shaking said signs wildly when the camera might happen upon
their image.
"The reason I came to new York and dressed my photogenic daughter in a bunny
suit and HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY AUGHeeeyyyYyYYeee HEE HeeeeEeEeE!!!,"
Nebraska mother Tonya Spaserfross said, unable to finish her sentence, as her
fingers had melted to the metal fence as Matt Lauer walked out.
Other homely American mothers were equally enthusiastic, and were apparently
in a collective abundance of supremely photogenic and adorable sons and
daughters, who showed a surprising moxy for grabbing the city's restraint fences,
and an equal moxy for having a lack of of the double chins, wrinkles,
and majestically ugly super-smiles of their, we guess, mothers.
"These morning programs present Americans who are never up at this time
with a chance to witness not only an unholy obsession on our part, as network
journalists, with New York City, but also allow us to massage the morning
awarenesses of people who are in bed, without the TV on, and remind
them of the only city in the entire universe that matters,"
said NYC journalist Kirk Listerone.
The arranging of the fences is a thorn in the side of all New York metal-
fence-arrangers, and will possibly be melted down and then dripped
upon the crowds of Morning-Show-Obsessed-Non-New-Yorkers
by special Metal Dripping Super Helicopters.
[TWR;)]
BARCELONA, SPAIN, INTRODUCES CHEAP, SANDWICH-ORIENTED
"BARCELONA" SAUSAGE
Global food lovers are intrigued by the new "Barcelona"
sandwich sausage, which has emerged from the Spanish city,
and grocers worldwide are reaping record profits.
"This sausage has the potential to set the lunch-meat world
on its ear," enthused Oregon grocer Leopold Markorold.
"It's possible we'll see this sausage, within a few years,
processed, packaged, and mass-marketed in convenient
'rolls'" wrapped in, what Markorold termed, "this weird red
plastic you have to peel off each slice."
Though the sausage has yet to see favorable returns for
retailers, similar events point to a positive future based on
statistics culled from data for "Old Fashioned Loalaceroney"
sausage, a sandwich sausage marketed from Loalacerogna,
Canada.
[TWR;)]
In news which may not be related....
LOCAL MAN CHARGED IN BANK ROBBERY
THAT TOOK PLACE IN DREAM
BUNNYKILL, AL (AP) Tuesday morning at 9:05, a Bunnykill man
was arrested in his home for a robbery at the 1st Savings Bank,
located in central Bunnykill, that he says, to his waking knowledge,
never happened.
Suspect Lester Jesus Dominique-Vasquez is quoted as follows: "It was
all just a dream I had. I've got bills to pay'n'all, but I was raised right!
I would never actually rob a bank...That's just stupid." The man then
continued to ramble on.
Dateline NBC celebrity Chris Hansen witnessed the apprehension, while
the cameras rolled. "This guy thought he was robbing a bank, while
dreaming last night. All he really robbed was himself, of his freedom,"
Hansen said, looking pious and pleased with himself.
State's attorney Rick Geraldine is putting the finishing touches on the
prosecution's case. Dominique-Vasquez will be charged with aggravated
contemplation, with further charges pending.
Security tapes at the bank so far have turned up no evidence of any
robbery. No money appears to be missing. The man's inner thoughts,
however, remain to be analyzed.
Residents of all Bunnykill districts are advised to remain indoors 24 hours
a day, huddled under furniture, until this case is resolved.
[TWR;)]
From our global desk:
REPORT INDICATES ALL MERCHANDISE ON ALL SHELVES
IN WORLD STORES JUST POLICE STING OPERATION
SPECIFICALLY TARGETING SHOPLIFTERS
The merchandise you're buying today may feel necessary, but authorities say
the paper towels you just bought to quicker- picker-up that slob mess junior and/or
hubby just made could point to a far more significant, and worrisome, idea...
worrisome for shoplifters, that is.
According to World Rag sources, all products you see on any shelf in any store you
visit, anywhere in the world, are part of a global sting operation to nab bothersome
"retail thieves," or, in particular, "shoplifters," a term used to refer to persons who "lift"
items from the shelves of a "shop" (but which doesn't elaborate on what might be done
once the item has been lifted; according to our sources, any "shopper" would have to
"lift" an item from a shelf at a shop in order to transport it to a checkout line.)
The lifting is often reported to require the use of "hands" and "arms," which reportedly
manipulate the merchandise and move it to a location other than a shop, and, we'll
assume, to a location from which it will be lifted and moved a separate location.
Authorities say the plan to lure thieves is a necessary measure, and is supported by most shopowners, wholesalers, plasma
centers, homeowners whose homes contain many shelves, large store owners, and many other purveyors of merchandise in any form.
Shoplifters have been known,
for example, in some instances, to remove products from places of business from floors as well as shelves. Lifting can
apparently be done with handy tools, as Gertrude Ellis explains:
"My husband and I were so proud of our bodega; We sat up nights discussing a way to deter these thieves. Nevertheless,
they were able to rob us of every single floor-stored item we had for sale, with a simple dolly. If only retail sales were
merely plagued by those malevolent individuals with "hands" and "arms," who can "lift" things
with only their hands and not with other devices. Not that I'd like to see our bodega get robbed by a big in-store pickup
truck, which is not an example."
--Gertrude Ellis, Shoplifting Victim
Police say a good measure is to put a "lock," (a device preventing entry without the use of a "key")
or an "alarm" (a contraption devised to make a really loud sound if the door to a store with merchandise requiring
lifting for removal is disturbed) on the door of any store containing valuable items. Merchandise requiring lifting for removal,
or normally stored in a room having a "door," requiring "opening" prior to entry, is advised to be placed
in an alternate location.
As is always the case, The World Rag is completely neutral with regard to the situation, and still purports all retail
sales to be merely for the benefit of the merchant and/or consumer.
[TWR;)]
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